Isabelle and I got married without many direct conversations about whether to have kids and how many. We were both safely under the impression that we each wanted a bigger family, and an understanding that we would figure out the timing or planning after getting married. 

On our first anniversary, we rented a cabin at a state park in central Indiana. As we waited for Match Game to come on TV and with the fireplace going, we had an initial conversation about family planning. Our expected time frame to not expect a positive test put us around February 2019. 

We planned to start trying without stressing about it too much. In late summer, my mom told me about a midwifery organization that also helps couples navigate infertility and work to achieve pregnancy. The unwritten rule then was if you were infertile for a year, then you’d seek professional help or consultation. It would be another 4-5 months for us to fit in that category, but we decided to go ahead and try anyway as we had barely gotten anywhere close to a positive pregnancy test. We started appointments with the clinic in late fall 2019.

We took a few classes to learn about the midwifery’s objectives, services and teachings, as well as their method to track ovulation each cycle. After a few months of daily tracking, we had a checkup to review our tracking capabilities and accuracy. The charting helps you indicate the best chances of ovulation, and the result was no potential fertilization during those time frames. We then had an appointment with the doctor to review our charts and discuss any potential tests, bloodwork and treatments or diets. We each had some initial tests and they requested that we provide a semen sample for lab testing. 

I believe this blog will tell you enough personal info about me, and for that reason, I think I can skip ahead here. We got them the sample needed twice in the span of a few months. After the second requested sample, we met for another check-up with the doctor. He said they were going to pause any further tests or bloodwork on Isabelle until they pursued something that appeared in my tests. The doctor said he wanted another opinion before he told me what he expected, which was something he tells one man per year at his practice. I spent a lot of my life already being an exception to a lot of roles, but I really didn’t want to be just another statistic for his practice. 

The semen analysis tested inconclusive twice, which meant that instead of additional testing attempts, I would see a urologist in either Indianapolis, St. Louis or Cleveland. It was into January 2020 when we found out that was our next step. Early 2020 was also the start of the COVID-19 outbreak as certain medical appointments were canceled for prioritized emergency care. From home, Indianapolis was the easiest trip to make as it was about two hours away. St. Louis was six hours and seemed to be the last option considered. Indianapolis had an appointment in about two months, which I had to book since the schedule was so packed. Cleveland is about 3.5 hours away and while not close enough for a half-day trip, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to see if the Cleveland Clinic had any availability in a closer time frame. Cleveland had an opening in a few weeks so I booked that one and then canceled the Indianapolis appointment. 

The Cleveland Clinic appointment was March 10, days before my 30th birthday and an already planned party with family and friends that weekend. Since Isabelle was taking time off for my birthday already, I said I would be OK going on my own. My mom offered to go too to keep me company in the car. Since the appointment was in late afternoon and I had to take the day off anyway, I looked at places to go in Cleveland that we could do before the appointment. I found the perfect detour and distraction with the house and museum for the classic film A Christmas Story. We enjoyed the tour of the house with some new knowledge of a movie that between the two of us had seen countless times. 

We got 15 minutes to explore the house and my mom and I went to each room to stage and photograph various scenes from the movie. We had so much fun reminiscing on the movie and exploring the museum together, but the appointment start time was looming nearby. The drive from the attraction to the hospital felt alien the whole time. I didn’t have much experience exploring Cleveland but I think i subtly tuned out and just focused on the aspect of having an appointment and having to attend it. My mom was able to join me in the building and consequent office but only I went back to the exam room. Once I filled out the paperwork, I immediately felt sick and jittery. Before I had to seek a bathroom, I was called back. 

When I talked to the assistant to explain why I made the appointment and to detail a brief update, it felt like someone else was in the room talking for me. I felt like someone was preparing to tell me that the trip to Cleveland was all for nothing. And it should have been obvious from the start that this would not end with a simple treatment fix or that a pill or vitamin could help the levels enough to make a difference. 

The doctor came in and instantly informed me what she thought it could be just based on the brief history she had read. We talked for a bit and then talked about if the results were conclusive then Isabelle and I would have to seek a form of IVF if we wanted to have kids biologically. We had discussed IVF as an option to getting pregnant but we both decided early on that we would not pursue IVF even if it was the only option we had left. So once the doctor switched to IVF exclusively, it started settling in that the tests would confirm the infertility and we would be out of options we wanted to pursue. 

Before I left, the doctor ordered bloodwork which would confirm if it was her suspected diagnosis or not. I met my mom in the lobby and we rode an elevator down to the lab. My mom asked how it went upon reuniting but I didn’t know how to respond. Once the elevator doors closed with just us in the elevator, I started crying and saying there’s an almost certain chance that I have some type of disorder. 

The elevator was quick so I cleaned up before exiting for the lab. I didn’t want to start feeling anything initially because I knew if I started then I likely wouldn’t stop for a long time. Again, I went alone for the bloodwork. Usually I’m freaking out anytime I have to get any type of test done that involves needles. I spend my whole dentist appointment silently freaking out that I’m going to have a cavity and need to return and get a shot in my mouth. While dating long distance, Isabelle sent me a slideshow of cute dogs with captions perfectly narrating the photo so I could look at that while I was getting my flu shot at work. So any mention of bloodwork starts my freak cycle since it includes needles, and also filling vials of blood with that needle. Just no. This time though I couldn’t feel anything and I wanted to complete it and teleport home because 3.5 hours might as well have been 14 hours. 

As we left the hospital parking lot my mom again tried to initiate a conversation and I again said I wasn’t ready to talk yet. I drove out of the city and I think it was about 30 minutes before I said something. I can’t remember much about what we talked about but I directed the conversation because I had to figure out how I was getting home under the particular circumstances. 

Upon returning home, I laid with Isabelle on the couch as she held me. Eventually I started talking and shared the updates with Isabelle. Following the bloodwork, I would have a follow-up in a month to review the test results, but it seemed all but certain we wouldn’t have kids naturally. And a month later, I had a virtual appointment where the doctor confirmed that I had Klinefelter’s Syndrome and was permanently infertile. 

The doctor asked if I was willing to do any genome tracing or further testing on Klinefelter’s. I didn’t have any interest in looking into why my body is different and understanding why it cannot achieve fertility. The purpose of going through all these appointments was to find a way around infertility to see if there was any chance that we could naturally have a baby. With that possibility no longer an option, what was the point of finding out more about it? To tell my kids about it one day? Oh wait.

With my birthday party happening so quickly after the initial appointment in Cleveland, I felt the urge to be all fine and moved on or at least set aside for the night of the party. It was a great party, and as usual, the best parties sometimes have minimal or no photo evidence of the carnage. This one was the latter but everyone would always remember it for something way outside anyone’s control. 

That weekend was the last public event in many months as COVID-19 reached our town and businesses and organizations closed to limit exposure and transmission. People still always bring it up as the last thing they did before COVID-19 closed everything and they spent many months at home.