Our first placement left in early September. We had a few weeks of a heads up before they left but it was an extremely difficult time to navigate. There were so many emotions as it played out. Shortly after I found out the kids were leaving, I had therapy. On my way there, I thought how much I would rather get in a car accident than face what the future held. In due time I will share about my mental illness and various triggers and how they play out. I’ve learned so much with that part of myself in the past two years and it helps me understand a lot of the emotions I feel and how they typically play out, but it’s also a big burden to carry as I allow myself to feel the emotions I will feel.

That’s why I haven’t posted in so long. As the kids were prepping to leave and the aftermath as our house shrank back to Isabelle and me, I went through so much. I started writing about some of it but it wasn’t long until there was more harm in me writing about everything than keeping it internal for the time being. I talked about it so much in therapy and each time I was reassured that everything I felt was grief and depression. It was the first time I was experiencing a traumatic event and its aftermath while also knowing I have major depressive disorder and OCD with intrusive thoughts. There were times when I felt I was only functioning at less than 50% and my therapist said I was the healthiest mentally I’d ever been. I’d pour everything out in therapy and leave still feeling deflated because my therapist would acknowledge my strength but also admit that I was processing grief and loss and feeling all the emotions that come with them.

It was a dark time for so long. I kept feeling shame for how little I was letting others in and what I was willing to share. It was the saddest I’ve ever been and I didn’t know how to feel better despite the loss and absence. So for so long, I knew it wasn’t healthy for me to type about what my brain was working through. I knew writing about it helps me as it takes the thoughts from primarily being in my head and just that outpouring helps. But for so long, rehashing what I was feeling was going to be too difficult for present-day Erik. Internalizing all that pain and grief was so much to carry on my own but I wasn’t sure how to explain it to others.

Another deterrent in explaining my mental health to others is the issue that it can get graphic pretty quickly, but my strengths are that I recognize and acknowledge my triggers and on most occasions, I know how to navigate them healthily. But even if what I’m describing is OK in my world, it can be red flags for others. So for me, suicidal ideation is a big part of my OCD’s intrusive thoughts. I can talk about how I’d rather plan my death so I won’t have to experience the upcoming sadness instead. The OCD in me wants to save myself from the impending pain and grief, the intrusive thoughts of my OCD is trying to convince me to act on that suicidal ideation, but my mental health awareness is working through both and understanding that I’d rather not experience the pain but realizing that the solution is getting through it alive rather than ending my life. There’s so much healthy processing happening in my darkest moments. Because whenever it gets too much and the suicidal ideation is taking over primarily, that’s when I’m most coherent and I seek help to get through what I’m feeling without becoming a danger to myself.

Well, I didn’t mean for this post to dive into my mental illness so much, but it does explain why I couldn’t post for a long time. There are so many complicated emotions that resulted from our first placement leaving which I’d like to work through by writing about it. I went back to work earlier than my approved leave and that was a huge transition back. I was lucky enough to have an extended leave from work to be a stay-at-home dad but work helped me build myself back than I had attempted in the month I had between the kids leaving and going back to work.

So what brings this journey back to writing? Well, my wife and I have accepted a placement of two toddlers who are arriving in five days. There is a whirlwind of emotions swirling about. I haven’t 100% accepted our first placement ending and the aftermath of how that has played out in the past few months. There is still plenty to work through to feel at peace with how our lives were affected.

The first month after the kids left were a blur. I wanted to process their absence but it didn’t happen that way. I understand things don’t work out naturally like you’d hope they did, but for months it felt like we just kept carrying that burden with us without processing the loss in a healthy manner. Holidays hit hard. Halloween was tough because we knew what costumes they would each have had. Thanksgiving is my favorite but thinking about family around that time was tough, and even 2+ months after they left, I still couldn’t grasp a full family event with my mom’s side of the family. We opted for a small gathering with Isabelle’s mom and sister. And I kept fending off intrusive thoughts that I was taking too long to let others back into my life. For so long, I’d prefer hangouts of 4-6 people, including Isabelle and me. Bigger groups were unruly and could spark hostile conversation topics that could trigger me. It was an ongoing struggle.

December and Christmas were the lowest I felt since immediately after the kids left. We had multiple people reach out to us during the month and it seemed like every time someone reached out, it was exactly what was needed. Usually it was a simple “this time sucks if you’re sad and I’m sorry you feel this way.” Simple, but true. At the same time, we had a handful of events that saddened us more than ever, and those instances hung over us more than anything, but also made those who checked in even just to commiserate all the better. We received a card in the mail from an in-town relative and it said “I was really hoping this would turn out differently. I’m so sorry, I know how much this meant to you” with a personal note “Haven’t been able to put into words our feelings but please know we love and respect and admire you both.” I never expected a card to put what I felt into words, and the vagueness of that card perfectly encapsulated the difficulty in such a precarious situation.

So here we are, on the precipice of another fostering adventure. I’d like to think we’re more prepared for this one and that we won’t get too attached, even though we will because that’s who we are. We’ll celebrate the happy times and be saddled with the grief and loss when they leave. We’ll get through it together. There aren’t many people who can save me from my intrusive thoughts, but thankfully Isabelle is one of those special people. And as long as I have her love and support, I know I’ll be OK. But ideally my anxiety and intrusive thoughts are quelled so I can focus on being present with the new kiddos. Our love and support is ready for them and a structured and caring home will be provided to them for as long as they are with us.