I realized our first foster placement went through our porch swing. 

Early on in the placement, I was beyond overwhelmed. Ironically I was the one to saying yes to the placement. Isabelle was hesitant about the newborn in the NICU while I thought about all the placement emails we were receiving daily and said let’s just go for it. We’ll figure it out. The day we accepted the placement the 5-year-old came later that day but the baby was still in the hospital. Then the next day the hospital said the baby could be discharged the following day. Even on discharge day we didn’t have the nursery set up yet. But my aunt, uncle and cousin came over to help and it was crucial. 

I’ll post another entry about that first 24-48 hours of the first placement another time but everything moved so quickly those first few days. On the first weekend I asked some family members to come help sort through the many items and gifts lent and sent to us. While my parents and aunts sorted through all the items that had overtaken our dining room, I sat on the porch swing with the baby, trying to connect and bond with him. My cousin captured a picture of me and the baby and it actually did look like I was a natural while realistically I was terrified. I put a lot of trust into the porch swing to help me soothe an angry baby. 

A few weeks into the placement on a Saturday evening, the 5-year-old was inside talking to Isabelle and after going to a birthday party for Isabelle’s niece, we think she was triggered by a family spending time together. I was holding the sleeping baby on the porch swing while Isabelle was inside and our front door was open so I could hear most of what happened next. The young girl who had been so guarded for weeks about her new living situation was letting it all out. She wanted to go home and to see her parents. That was expected as she consistently said those things before but then something else came out. 

She showed her most vulnerable self so far and cried and exclaimed everything she was feeling and thinking. She wanted to go home and she didn’t want to be with us anymore. “This wasn’t fair.” She had “gone to the hospital then gone to a relative’s then came to our house.” And she wanted to just go home. She cried for so long and Isabelle was sitting next to her at the table, validating how she felt and agreeing that it was unfair. It all made sense to me. I wasn’t sad that she didn’t want to be with us. I wasn’t selfish in that moment. But my heart broke for her. 

I don’t know how Isabelle sat there for almost 45 minutes as everything played out. I was outside and felt all the anguish and sadness from there. Thankfully the baby kept sleeping but the breakdown inside was too much for me to hear. I wept outside on the swing. Hearing a sweet child’s loss of innocence and safety was heartbreaking. At that moment too, we had a few updates of the bio parents and visitations weren’t regularly scheduled yet and they weren’t in the best place to start those soon. I knew the situation was unfair and I would have validated her feelings too but I stayed outside to not interrupt Isabelle’s conversation and reassurance. 

I texted a few people during the little girl’s outbursts. My cousin taking classes for therapy said the little girl felt comfortable and trusting enough to open up to Isabelle and that was a huge win. It sounds accurate but it still felt like an anchor on my heart to hear such grief and loneliness in such a young child. 

The porch swing proved crucial and enjoyed a lot of success to get the baby to sleep. We don’t have any furniture that rocks in our living room so the swing was our best option for holding him and hoping constant movement would soothe him. The summer temps felt below average as most nights I could swing with him while Isabelle was inside watching Bluey for the little girl’s bedtime routine. 

One night when the baby wouldn’t go down after a bottle and nearly an hour of swaying and being held, I checked the weather app. There was an intense heat advisory and at 9 pm, it felt like 101°F outside. It was just me at home so I risked it and went outside to swing for 5 minutes. The baby was in a sleeper sack too and I was ready for someone to come out and yell at me for having a baby out. After 5 minutes I went inside and kept swaying him and I watched his eyelids get heavy and droop and he was asleep within 10 minutes. 

Temperatures were cooler than normal in the summer so most nights while Isabelle and the girl watched Bluey as part of bedtime routine, I would take the baby out to the porch to swing. It became our own tradition and eventually porch swinging with the baby is when I felt the most confident as a parent. But as mentioned above, I had a lot of breakdowns on that swing too.

The little girl also played outside a lot with the neighbor kids so being on the porch helped us keep an eye on how she was doing outside. Also with the cooler weather, we had many visits with family and friends coming over to hang out. We shared many moments on the porch and I’m most thankful for the quieter, soothing moments shared with the baby. Thanks, porch swing!